Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Santa pawned his sleigh… It looks like Jolly Old Saint Nick may be riding bareback on Rudolph this year with his bag of goodies. For many families Christmas may just not be the same this year, and the cut backs have certainly reached the North Pole.  If you are one of the many, as a parent, you may be facing the fact that you just can’t spend as much on Christmas this year, and along with that, Santa’s annual haul may also be significantly less. TV Interview: Dr. E… on Santa Downsizing – Good Day Atlanta

So how can you, as a parent who loves your child, spend less on Santa, one of the most altruistic and generous icons of our culture? What will your child feel when they wake up on Christmas morning and look under the tree only to find that Santa “cheaped out” on them? What’s up with that? Santa has unlimited income – doesn’t he? Isn’t he part of the G-8? Well, because current financial circumstances, I can only imagine that there are going to be a number of parents feeling guilt, failure, sadness, and worth-less, because of their inability to come through for the big man.

The Culture of Christmas

Here is the problem, our culture has spent a lot of time, money and public relations building up the image of the almighty elf in the red suit. As a result, many parents feel obligated to give until hurts in the name of the overgrown elf and his somewhat diminutive north-bound brethren. Many of you may, at this point, be cursing this tradition, as you may be wondering whether to pay the light bill or purchase the latest game system to put under the tree.

So, why do our kids need so much at Christmas? Since this holiday is dedicated to the birth of the “son of God”, is this really what was really intended. I think not, but once we back ourselves in a corner and start a tradition, we often feel that we have to keep up with it, even if it doesn’t make sense. Norman Rockwell painted a great picture, but there are times in life when art can’t imitate life.  Teaching your kids responsible spending, even if it’s from Santa Claus is probably the better angle to take. Is it really a good idea to go into more debt to buy more happiness? I didn’t think you could buy that.

The Santa Talk

So how do you talk to your child about this very delicate situation and explain that Santa Claus will not be spending as much this year? What I would suggest is that you start by adding a significant prefix to Santa. This prefix is “The Spirit of”. The reason is that this starts to explain the true idea behind Santa, who was born out of the intention to teach the gift of giving, not the gift of getting. Personally, I teach my daughter that the Spirit of Santa lives in everyone.

As you talk to your child, you can explain that in the recent years, you realized that we were all losing the meaning behind Christmas and discussed this with Santa (sometimes in life we all learn lessons, even Santa). You can support that your kids may have noticed that your family has not been spending as much, and there won’t be as much spent on Christmas this year. They might notice that other kids may get more from Santa when they are getting less, but that doesn’t mean that they haven’t made good choices. The decision to spend less was made between you and Santa, and each parent makes their own agreement with Santa. If they feel upset that others get more from Santa, you understand that, but it is not a reflection on them.

The next issue is to help your kids to understand their expectations of what they will get by looking through a list of wants. If they are going to visit Santa, have them limit their lists to a few “realistic” items. I believe that having an endless list of wants that they can dream about only to find that they get nothing on that list leads to disappointment, sadness and bad memories.

Talk to your kids about what you want them to learn from the holiday, and let them know that you want to focus on what you all have rather then what they will get. You also want to talk about how you have learned that happiness doesn’t lie in how much you get or what you have, it lies inside of us. You may want to then encourage your kids to develop a season of giving and see how you can help others in inexpensive ways. Here are a few ideas:

1. Each day leading up to Christmas go around the dinner table and have everyone say something they feel gratitude for.
2. Each person in the family makes a present for someone else in the family with a dollar limit.
3. Perhaps even consider contacting DFCS to help provide Xmas for a child in foster care.
4. As a family, make cookies, a meal or something nice for someone or a family who is having challenges.
5. Try to get a group together to sing at a retirement home.

The goal is to change the focus to what they can give and have them find happiness in sharing with others. Start a new tradition this year that may carry on for generations, and let the “Spirit of Santa” fill your heart instead of your stocking. I would ask you to have yourself and children consider this: Ask not what Christmas can do for you, but what can you do for Christmas.

Respectfully,

Dr. E…

I have to admit something from the start. I am a Gleek. My wife and I looked forward to the pilot when we heard the concept and bought in from moment one. Being on “the Journey”, I have never stopped believin’ in Glee I have watched the show evolve in theme and storyline, and from the beginning of this season became concerned with the sexual content, that they almost flaunted at will. Others in the media took note as well, perhaps to poke fun at The New Kid in Town.

The sometimes outrageous sexual content almost followed the theme of their episode last season when Rachel, who most commonly dresses more conservatively, was encouraged to dress in a more sexual manner to change her image. By the end of the show, she realized that the style did not fit her personality, and she returned to her more comfortable dress.

Where Have You Gone Will Schuster?

Well, the Glee that I was sold on was not the Glee that is has become this season. You didn’t have to change your style to get me to like you more.

Realize that it is just my wife and I that watch this in our home, but I have concerns about the influence of this content on our already “oversexualized” society (Feel free to read my blog series Your Body Is Not A Disneyland). Here is a compliment to the writers at Glee – you don’t need to add the sex to have a great show.

So here is where it gets better. I am not sure where it came from, whether it was the discussions in the media about the content, a set up from the start, and/or a growing awareness of where the show was going, but in last night’s Rocky Horror episode, I wanted to give the writers a big hug and thank them for the message they communicated. Is this a case of art imitating life?

In this episode, Will Schuster, the Glee club instructor, pulls back from performing the Rocky Horror Picture Show with his students. In a dialog  with Cheerio’s instructor, Sue Sylvester, he makes a realization that even though there are plenty of avenues where his students are exposed to sexual content, he didn’t have to play along. It was his getting lost along the way that almost lead him to inappropriately make his students the vehicle of his OWN issues.  Sue makes the statement, “If you lead them to it, you make it okay.”

FOX Network, Changing the World
In the history of television, there have been many moments where trends changed, and when I look at when sexual content started to become more of a part of the television vernacular; it was when FOX network started pushing the boundaries in the late 80s with Married with Children. As ratings went up, the other networks eventually followed the almighty advertising dollar and sold their collective soul.

I would ask this of the FOX network, let this be an opportunity when you do the unconventional again and turn the corner. Can we, as a society, enjoy the boob tube without the boobs? I believe that we can. It will take some effort and good writing, but we can do it. After all, “When you lead them to it, you make it okay.”

Respectfully,

Dr. E…

Accosted by paparazzi and television cameras, Elmo, accompanied by Zoey and Grover, was quoted outside a Sesame Street bistro saying, “They made Elmo do it. Elmo kept trying to play tag to get Miss Katy off camera. Elmo knew the media would have a feast. No one listens to Elmo, but the kids.”

In all seriousness, if you haven’t heard, Sesame Street and the Children’s Television Workshop chose to not air a song that Katy Perry was singing to Elmo because parents who had previewed the video felt the singer was dressed too suggestively. After viewing this video myself, I realized it wasn’t just your preschooler’s Elmo’s Song anymore.

Katy sings to Elmo

I want to be careful as I write this, not to appear desirous of censoring television and play the moralist, but how I hearken for a return to the days of Hester Prynne— well… not really. What I do want to discuss is how our children develop some of the attitudes and behaviors we see at earlier and earlier ages that concern us as parents and professionals. I, personally, felt that everything in the video was appropriate for children, with the exception of Katy Perry’s dress. The problem is that the dress is prominent throughout the video, and whether it is one second of exposure or five minutes of exposure, it is easily construed as an inappropriately sexually suggestive dress, even with the skin colored mesh. Our kids are viewing this, and they are sponges. When kids see adults do things, wear things or say things, they often want to mimic these actions, if not at the time, then at some time in their future. Seeds are planted early and often.

The Language of Life

The main issue is that attitudes and beliefs that we develop in life toward many facets, dress and sexuality included, are learned at very early ages. Children are not just acquiring language in their first five years, but are also acquiring the “language” of the world around them. Everything they are exposed to is information that they process and try to make sense of. Our kids are exposed to styles of dress that can be somewhat provocative all the time in the media in their home and in their community; I would like to have a safe haven for our kids somewhere where they can be kids.

CTW, The Mission

The surprising fact here is that the Children’s Television Workshop is dedicated to making sure our children get a healthy dose of educational and kid-friendly television. The following quote regarding the purpose of the CTW comes from this link  http://www.ftc.gov/privacy/comments/ctw.htm . “Founded in 1968 to experiment with television’s capacity to help children learn, CTW continues today to set global standards for excellence in programming for traditional and new media, publishing, product licensing, and community outreach for children from birth to age 12 and for the adults who care for them.”

I think that we have to be willing to acknowledge that we all make mistakes and we all have errors in judgment. I am not willing to say that the wheels are coming off the bus to Sesame Street, but I hope they take this opportunity to learn from this experience. Many of us have entrusted the CTW with our children’s welfare, and while we may do that, we, as parents, still have to be willing to monitor what they watch and be the champion for their welfare. I applaud the CTW for having people preview the video and being willing to pull it; however, I also feel that a wardrobe change and judgment call should have been made at the taping.

Comfortably Numb

A major issue that we all have to contend with is that we, as a society, are becoming numb to the influences of clothing and dress on the development of sexuality, and apparently the people at Sesame Street are no exception. I would be very interested in seeing a survey from Americans and how they viewed the appropriateness of Katy Perry’s dress for children, but if Matt Lauer of the Today Show and Kelly Ripa of Live are any indication, there are likely many who don’t seem to feel that there was anything wrong with the way Katy was dressed. Please understand, it’s not that I believe there is anything “wrong” with her dress, but the discussion and application of what sculpts and molds our kids should be discussed carefully.

As I was stating above, most children want to be like adults, speak like adults, dress like adults and behave like adults often way before their time. The parallel was made to language. Consider people who swear a lot – they often don’t pay attention to when they are swearing, the words just come out, and they are numb to their influence on others. Is our view of clothing, sexual innuendo, and direct sexual content in various forms of media any different? Have we become blind to our reality and how that reality is affecting our kids?  I will leave you with this, Have there been times when and/or would you have limited your kid’s exposure to an adult because of the language they use? Consider your answer and consider this important issue. While doing this, think about tomorrow when dealing with your kids today.

For a more complete discussion of this topic, I would welcome you to review my blog series, Your Body Is Not A Disneyland for more to consider on the topic of our sexuality.

Respectfully,

Dr. E…

If I had a nickel for all of the times that I made myself out to be the victim in school to my parents when I was young… well I wouldn’t be a millionaire, but I would certainly be a “hundredaire”. Whether it was a teacher or peer issue, I was pretty good at presenting my story and eliciting a response from my mom. It was when my parents went to school for the conferences or when she would call the school that often the gig was up. That is not to say that there weren’t situations where there were some injustices, because there were definitely those, but I also learned to use those to my advantage to create doubt about what others at school may be saying. The fact was that I was able to use the threat of the injustice toward me to get her to jump. Now, at the time, I didn’t fully realize that I was doing this, but I see it clearly now. I just wanted to be off the hook and rescued from my emotions, and didn’t like the pressure I felt inside.

How often do situations like mine occur everyday in our schools? If you have followed this series from the start, you know that I have addressed the issues with the schools, now it is time to focus the lens on the parents. There are a few issues that I want to address: one is the degree to which parents jump to their children’s rescue and attack the school and two is the degree to which parents often don’t share the responsibilities for their child’s education with the school.

A Victim, A Victim, My Kingdom for a Victim

I often discuss the issue that I see our culture to be a “victim culture”, meaning that our culture feeds and is fed by people who play the victim role. We give them power, because we let victims often assume no responsibility for their behaviors. As parents, we often feel that we are being a good parent when we protect them from threats, whether they are real or perceived and/or even instigated by your child. In this way, parents feel that their job is to be their child’s rescuer, no matter what. Riding in on the white horse to vanquish the enemy can feel empowering to a parent who wants to feel important and powerful. Many parents would have a hard time admitting to wanting to feel that power, but it does happen, and it takes some courage to recognize this. The problem is when parents approach situations in the school that look like they are shooting first and then asking questions, it undermines the collaborative relationship that can help your child’s education, and sometimes even result in them becoming a target.

What I also often ask parents to look at, when it comes to problems they feel their child is having at school, is what happened when they were in school as kids? Sometimes parents are carrying their own trust issues with them, so when their kids claim that they were treated unfairly, parents are more than prepared to react, because it plays into their own history.

Another issue with parents overreacting to school issues has to do with parents’ sense of guilt. Sometimes parents feel that they are not there when their children need them. Either they are emotionally not available, and/or feel overwhelmed with the demands of life, job, family…, and when they feel that they have not been able to keep their kids safe from “harm”, it can bring out the mama or papa bear in them. While guilt lets us know when we have done something to someone else we need to fix, guilt can also result in us focusing our desire to protect ourselves and those we feel responsible for in the wrong direction with anger and rage.

Teaching Is Your Job

The second issue has to do with the degree to which many parents seem to feel that it is the school’s job to teach their kids. It is true that the expertise of the school faculty is to help provide your child with an education. It is also your job to support that end. One of the biggest challenges is that many parents do not feel skilled at educating their kids, and many times the techniques or ways that their kids are being taught can be difficult for parents to understand at teach at home. For many people when they feel inadequacy or failure, they would often rather not play the game instead of playing the game and losing. Parents are people too, and if we all look honestly at this, this could be part of the motivation why we may not be more involved in our kids’ education. If we are going to model more productive behaviors to our kids, we have to be willing to face our emotions, and even ask for help on how we can understand what are kids are learning. Also, be willing to feel happy that your kids are learning possibly more than you did, because that may open up more opportunities for them.

One of the tendencies of people when we feel failure is also to blame others so that we are off the hook for our emotions (remember the victim wants to be off the hook). This is often why we want to blame the teachers, the school books, the system… Aren’t we then playing the victim? But who is going to rescue our kids, and what are we teaching them. Who inspires your children more than you? You can inspire them to want to be better people, or you can inspire them to believe that they when things get tough, it is someone else’s fault. How much do we see the latter in our culture?

The entitlement that I see from many parents when it comes to their children’s education is not based in a right to demand that the school teach your kids, it comes from a dependency on others to deal with things that they don’t want to and an arrogance that they should be off the hook. Your kids see this and learn from this. As I have said before, “Your kids are always watching.” Know and realize that partnerships often result in better outcomes. No one can win a team sport by themselves. Your child’s education takes a team to win. Become a part of it.

I would like you to consider taking my pledge. Repeat after me (well, you know what I mean). “I, (State your name), love my child enough to make sure that they get the best education that I can help them to receive. It is my hope that they one day will know more than I do, and that I will be the wind that fills their sails to propel them where they want to go to help them grow. I will do my best to advance their education not only in school, but in life. I acknowledge that I am always learning and my child will always be learning. Life is full of opportunities and I will seek to embrace them openly for and with my child.”

Respectfully,

Our education system is truly in a precarious position, and at this point it seems to be difficult to navigate this ship to safety. For many who love teaching and are good at it, they have demands of teaching to criteria and keeping up with technology, the demands of parents and political pressures. I will address technology further in a later issue of the series.

Are there better ways to teach our children? Absolutely, but even how to teach our children has fallen victim to power struggles. People are battling over their “right” way of teaching, and few want to acknowledge their own “wrongs” for fear of losing power, prestige, and/or status.

If we are all being honest, then we have to admit that there are a certain percentage of teachers and administrators who should not be employed in the profession at all. They may either be burned out, have risen above their skill level, never should have become educators, or changes in technology have left them behind. I believe that some of these individuals know who they are, and they feel terrified that others will figure it out. What people tend to do who feel afraid to be figured out do is often deflect onto others and point out their flaws, rather than look at their own. What I see from my experiences is that this is some of the education that our children are getting.

We have become a society of victims. This is not the first time that I have said this, but I feel it more than ever. When things happen in life that we feel cause us pain, we tend to make it someone else’s fault. For students, it is often the teacher’s fault. For parents, it is often the teachers’ or administrators’ fault. For teachers, it is often the students’ or administrators’ fault. For administrators, it may be the students’, parents’, teachers’ or politicians fault. The tragedy is when we teach our children to not take responsibility for their part in situations. Pointing fingers and making excuses from any of these perspectives does not teach self-respect or respect for others.

Where there are victims, there is little trust, because the only thing that a “victim” can trust is that sooner or later they are going to feel betrayed and/or persecuted again by someone. Is this the school of hard knocks that our children are attending? I feel that we have lost the ability to take responsibility for the part that we play in the problems with our education system, and the problems with our society.

If we are going to improve the education of our children, we all have to see the wisdom in taking responsibility for our part in the problem. As adults, we have to recognize that we are guides and teachers to our children. We have to find the maturity to recognize that there is a problem and seek a solution. We also have to recognize that we may have to look outside ourselves to find the answers, together. Sometimes wisdom is knowing when to seek guidance outside ourselves.

Stay tuned for the Parent Trap.

Respectfully,

Dr. E…

Welcome back. In this installment, I will address some of the issues that I see in our schools that are a disservice to the students and the almost impossible circumstances that educators are in.

In my 15 years of work as a psychologist, I have been a part of many school interventions. I have sat in on meetings, talked with teachers, administrators, school psychologists, observed in classrooms, provided educational workshops… In those experiences, I have seen some very hard working teachers and administrators who went above and beyond for their students, and also have read between the lines and seen grave injustices that altered life paths of some children and young adults, leaving both the kids and parents almost helpless to do anything about it. In these latter instances, the school justifies their actions often playing both victim and martyr and makes the parents and/or child out to be the persecutors, interfering in their ability to teach others. Usually what was behind these cases were educators who actively manipulated the system to work for them without seeming regard for the children whose lives they were supposed to benefit. Don’t get me wrong, I have also seen cases where parents and children have been able to manipulate the system to their advantage, often with the help of a lawyer and or a cursory knowledge of the laws that were put in place to protect and support their kid’s needs. In either situation, the child loses. Sometimes the most damaging thing a parent can do is to enable their child’s victimization, perceived or actual.

Making the Grade

Education, these days, seems to be more about passing tests than it does learning. This is where many teachers are stuck in the middle, because they get punished for students who don’t perform from the administration, the parents, and the media. How does this motivate a teacher to teach with passion, and how does this motivate intelligent gifted students to want to become teachers?

I also see more and more kids who are only interested in getting the grade than acquiring knowledge, and they just don’t seem to be taught the value of an education. Cheating, in some form is almost the norm, and this “win at all costs” mentality doesn’t advance our culture, but instead leaves us further behind. Are we allergic to hard work? I do feel that this contagious “allergy” is something we need to address as a culture, however, educators and parents can do more to inspire an interest in the learning process instead of focusing on test grades. But how do they do this with the government breathing down their necks threatening to pull dollars away if they don’t jump through their hoops?

The answers to these issues are not easy. We all need to seek solutions, and I hope that we can meaningfully look for resolutions as a country, before our children are left behind.

Stay tuned for Part 3, On the Rocks…

Respectfully,

Dr. E…

In my 15 years of work as a psychologist, I have been a part of many school interventions. I have sat in on meetings, talked with teachers, administrators, school psychologists, observed in classrooms, provided educational workshops… In those experiences, I have read between the lines and seen grave injustices that altered life paths of some children and young adults, leaving both the kids and parents almost helpless to do anything about it, while the school justifies their actions often playing both victim and martyr.

Usually what was behind cases of injustice were educators and administrators who actively manipulated the system to work for them without seeming regard for the children whose lives they were supposed to benefit — in the name of sacrificing the few to save the many. I have also seen cases where parents and children have been able to manipulate the system to their advantage, often with the help of a lawyer. In either situation, the child loses.

Education, these days, seems to be more about passing tests than it does learning. How does learning to pass a test and being taught how to take the test to pass it serve the long-term interests of the student? This is where many teachers are stuck in the middle, because they get punished for students who don’t perform from the administration, the parents, and the media. How does this motivate a teacher to teach with passion, and how does this motivate intelligent gifted students to want to become teachers?

I also see more and more kids who are only interested in getting the grade rather than acquiring knowledge, and they just don’t seem to be taught the value of an education in helping them succeed in life. Cheating, in some form or another is almost the norm, in some populations,  and this “win at all costs” mentality doesn’t advance our culture, but instead leaves us further behind.

Are we allergic to hard work? I do feel that that is something we need to address as a culture, and, educators can do more to inspire an interest in the learning process instead of focusing on test grades. But how do they do this with the government breathing down their necks, threatening to pull dollars away if they don’t jump through their hoops. Parents also need to realize that they are key to fostering a healthier mentality toward how our kids look at learning.

Our education system is truly in a precarious position, and at this point it seems to be a no win for everyone. I realize that the issue, as I present it, may be oversimplified, but I do hope to stimulate discussion.

Are there better ways to teach our children? Absolutely, but even how to teach our children has fallen victim to power struggles. People are battling over their “right” way of teaching and few want to acknowledge their own “wrongs” for fear of losing power, prestige, and/or status.

If we are all being honest, then we have to admit that there are a certain percentage of teachers and administrators who should not be employed in the profession at all. They either are burned out, rose above their skill level, never should have become educators, and/or changes in technology have left them behind. I believe that many of these know who they are, and many feel terrified that others will figure it out. What people tend to do who feel afraid to be figured out is deflect onto others and point out their flaws, rather than look at their own. This seems to be the education that our children are getting, and the epidemic permeates our culture from the top, down.

We have become a society of victims. This is not the first time that I have said this, but I feel it more than ever. While I am not a supporter or direct critic of either political party, I see a president who models accountability and responsibility, and he seems to be getting slammed at every turn. Where there are victims, there is little trust, because the only thing that a “victim” can trust is that sooner or later they are going to feel betrayed and/or persecuted again by someone. Is this the school that our children are attending?

The question I want to really ask is, “How do we help our kids to feel empowered to want to learn rather than feel like they have to?”

Respectfully,

Dr. E…

It is a tough job to be an educator these days. There are demands from all angles. An educator is supposed to insure that certain educational standards are met, make sure that their students are learning what is necessary for students to pass certain state-mandated tests, increase test performance on other standardized tests, keep upwards of 30 students in line, satisfy their administrators, deal with parents, keep up with grading papers, tests, and completing lesson plans… oh, and did I forget that they have lives and families of their own? The list is long and exhausting, and the job can feel thankless.

I believe, as many of is do, that being a teacher is one of the most important jobs that exists in our world, and teachers are still grossly underpaid, proportional to their true value to our culture. It is a job that, to be successful, one has to have passion, creativity, structure, patience, intelligence, wisdom – traits that are difficult to maintain in a challenging environment. I believe that there is a huge price that we pay, collectively for undervaluing our education system and those that teach our children.

Too many times today school personnel spend more waking hours with children than many parents do. That puts them in a very powerful role when it comes to shaping children and their perspectives on life. Many kids have challenging homes that they come from. There may be physical or sexual abuse, drug use, overwhelmed parents, erratic parenting, or even lack of parenting and the list goes on…

When kids misbehave, there can be any number of reasons why. I know that there are many teachers and administrators out there who have the best interests of the student at heart and are trying to do all they can to make the lives of children better. This blog series is not about them. It is about the teachers and administrators who see disruptive children as a problem to be expunged from the school, and those who hide and mask the issues and misbehaviors of themselves and/or others in the system. What is most difficult is that there are often layers of protection for those who manage the education system, but little protection for those who are supposed to benefit the most, the students.

This series will also address the seeming sense of entitlement that many parents have that demand higher and higher levels of performance in their children, but do little to help them at home. They shake their grade cards at teachers and administrators and sometimes never check their kids homework. I hope you will stay tuned to read and participate in this discussion.

Respectfully,

Dr. E…

And a Happy New Year to you all. I was thinking how I could start off a new decade on my blog. I then thought that a picture is worth a thousand words, and what better way to paint a picture with words than with a poem. I wrote this poem long before my daughter was born, and I believe that this poem still describes my vision of parenting and what I want for all children. I hope you will take a look and listen deep inside.

And without further ado…

Inquisitively approaching his mother the child asks,

“Mommy, where did I come from?”

Nervously searching for an explanation that would satisfy the child,

She questions herself and her memories of old.

She envisions the gangly bird carrying the child and remembers…

How foolish she felt so few years later

That she had believed her parents,

And questioned why such a story had been manufactured.

What purpose did this tale serve to engender trust and understanding

In the mind of The Child?

For The Child would only discover,

As she and many others had before her,

That it was just a story created to quiet The Inquisitive Child,

Not to answer the question.

A tale that hides the invisible embarrassment and flush of feelings,

Sending the message that the truth is better not discussed,

When it is shrouded in emotion,

But left to discover through other less informed sources,

Often in a hostile environment of Ignorance and Mistrust.

Innocent as the creation of this tale was,

Its intention was to soothe The Unquiet Child.

But The Unquiet Child often lay inside the parent,

While The Inquisitive Child stands before them.

The story of the bird spread through the land,

Bringing a sense of relief to those who searched for easy answers.

But isn’t it The Child,

Who searches for truth and trust?

Who was requesting the easy answer?

Many a child has erected a formidable tower of blocks,

Only to learn the harsh lessons of gravity.

She continued to question her own understanding of her creation.

She recognized the union of the two in creating the one,

But also recognized her deeper sense of unrest inside,

That questioned and searched for more beyond the veil of the body.

As she looked into The Child’s eyes,

She saw the glimmer of wonder in his eyes

That had been extinguished in hers long ago

By many easy answers

That doused the flame of wonder and fascination.

She then recognized the awesome power she held before her.

For she could continue to fan the flame glimmering in his eye,

Or extinguish it with careless breaths.

But to continue to let the inner flame burn

May make him an outcast in a world without fire.

If we were all brought to this world carrying the flame,

It may not have been meant to be extinguished.

She recognizes it is not her decision to make for this child,

For he is his alive and has his own voice.

As her thoughts settled down in the blink of an eye,

The answer seemed to come from a sparking ember within.

With her rekindled sense of awareness she replied,

“You came to us from a bond of love.

Beyond that I do not know,

But I will look forward to the day when you can tell me the answer,

Because I know it lies within.”

September, 1995

I have had some great feedback after my last post, Do You Believe in Santa regarding teaching your children trust and how Santa could undermine that. What I also discussed was that the intention of the Santa myth embodies giving selflessly, from the heart, without expectation of return. It has nothing to do with naughty or nice or breaking the bank on the latest toys. When do our kids learn giving from the heart if they are only on the receiving side of Santa?

We teach our kids to give gifts to other family members, and they often learn that you do that because that is what you are supposed to do, but these gifts are often given in exchange of gifts given to them. What I would like to talk about is giving selflessly to people in need and teaching your child the same.

Every year for the past seven or eight years, my wife and I have picked up a Christmas wish list for children who are in foster care from the local Department of Children and Family Services. Through my career, I have worked with many children who have been in foster care, and see how much love these kids need. Since my daughter was born, we have continued that, and as she has gotten older, we have talked with her about helping a little girl or boy have a merrier Christmas that does not live with their family. We talk about our good fortune and that we feel blessed for what we have and we want to spread that around. We also talk about some of the challenges that people have, and it is important to help others.

This year, when we talked with my daughter about helping a little girl out with Christmas who did not live with her own family, she asked if the girl we were providing Christmas gifts for could live with us. My wife and I both looked at each other with that “Wow” look, and while we knew she did not fully understand what that would mean, we felt proud of her willingness to open her heart to someone in need. I talked to her about what it means to live with a foster family and that she was safe and taken care of with the foster family. We wanted to help her to have a happier Christmas and get her some things that she needed.

We take my daughter out to shop for the foster children and also have her help wrap the presents. We want her to feel included in this process and want her truly feel the Spirit of Santa in her heart. As she grows older, we will have her continue to become more involved. I will never demand that my daughter gives to others at Christmas or on any occasion. I do hope that she sees the example that we have set and will follow that example and take it even further in her own life.

If you don’t do this already, I would encourage you to start a new holiday tradition this year or next. I would also encourage you to see that many kids in foster care need love every day. There are plenty of ways that you can help. I encourage you to contact your local foster care organizations to see how you can make a difference not only your child’s life, but in the lives of others.

Happy Holidays…

Dr. E…